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| Since when did my life become so complicated? It seems as if everything has decided to come at once; on one hand I have my busy summer schedule with work and school and on the other my even more complicated social life, never in my life that I have so many choices that needed to be made in such a short period of time.
I have been talking to Tia a lot and things between us seem to be going well but now I have to determine whether I want to pursue something more. I feel like my heart is in a game of tug of war because I have tried to remove it from the situation, of course that has met some failure as of late. I want so much for her to know how I feel but I know the most important thing is that she is happy and treated as she should be, even if I am not the person it is to be with. To make matters worse, I recently made a trip to Tulsa and visited Jenni. While normally that would be a good thing, this time was very different from previous visits. I have never really said it before but I wasn't exactly shy about telling her what a mess she's made of her life this time, including her choice of who to spend it with. I know that she will never go back to church if she marries this guy, I know that she will never know what it means to be truly happy, and she will not have the opportunity to live a life free from the grips of poverty and dependence on something out of a bottle or bag. I wish there was a way I could show her what means to really be appreciated without taking advantage of her. I know she still cares about me, and I'd be lying if I said the feeling wasn't mutual, but I know all to well that she would have to make a lot of changes that would change her life, something her track record doesn't reflect positively on. I see her slipping further into a black hole of depression and abuse chased by the knowledge of what could have been and yet she isn't strong enough to step out of it. It truly makes me cry when I think about what that sort of life has in store for someone I used to view so highly, to see her fall so far is something I wish I hadn't had the opportunity to witness.
Along with the previously stated issues, a girl named Jamie enters the scene. While I think she is a great girl, I can't help but feel I am selling myself short if I take our relationship any further than what it is. I admire her character and experience but with that comes more baggage than I really want to handle. At this point I find myself in a familiar position, do I date the girl because she likes me or do I say no because I'm not comfortable with the idea of becoming a father and husband at the same time, I know this girl wants someone to commit to something permanent and while I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, I don't see any reason to rush the process.
I have always tried to be the respectful, honest person that I was taught to be but I have to admit, I have received more than little attention for it. I asked my friend Steph tonight what she sees in me and I was surprised at her answer. What I don't understand is why can't the girls I care about see the same things. There have been so many times I've had to pick up the pieces of my broken heart because I wasn't enough or something else became more important.
I have found myself in a position where I am at the mercy of so many things and all I can do is look up and close my eyes knowing God will have His way. I am scared to death not knowing what lies in store. The thought of being so close to such a pivotal point in my life turns my stomach and sends chills down to my very bones. I have become so accustomed to just surviving that I haven't made a lot of effort as to deciding what the rest of my life holds. I know God will guide my steps but I struggle with the faith I need to trust Him. I guess I know what tonight's prayer will be about.
God, thank you for everything you have done for me, for your mercy, your grace, your forgiveness, and your love. God I ask that you grant me your strength and wisdom, that you give me the faith and patience I need to seek your will for my life and follow it. God I love you for being the loving God you are, for giving of yourself and for giving your Son to die such a horrible death for me. God, I can't thank you enough for gifts you bestow to me to use for your glory. I just ask that you have your will done, and that one day I will be able to walk with you in Heaven. Thank you again for the life you've given me and the avenue of prayer I have to talk to you. It's in your Son's name I pray.
Amen | | |
| To my readers,
I have made it back to Searcy, and my first class is over. I didn't really expect things to go the way they have, but I am truly blessed for it. Unknown to me, Tia was here for intersession and seeing as we have a lot of mutual friends we ended up spending most of it together. As much as this bothered me at first, God works in mysterious ways. With His help I was able to her avoid a bad situation and I thank God for every day I got to spend with her. As much as I know it hurts for the two of us to be around each other we have put our anger to rest. I truly believe I am closer to her now than I have been in a long time.
The changes I have made have completely consumed my life, to the point people have actually taken notice. I never expected to grow so much but God has given me a purpose, one that I intend to live out with every breath He gives me. I have spent so much time fighting God that I forgot how much how to love, something I cannot say now. I have learned what it means to truly value someone for the person they are. I have learned to accept and forgive but most of all I have learned to love without expectation, to love someone despite themselves and show that love even when it is not shown to me. Whatever happens between Tia and I, I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to make a difference in her life. She will always have someone to lean on in times of trial without the pressure of reciprocation. I have learned what it means to truly be a friend and given the opportunity, I would rather be the person I am now than the person I would have been, no matter the cost.
I'll take this opportunity to say good night because I have work in the morning and I am going to pray with my roommate before I go to bed but I wish everyone the best.
God Bless
Dustin
God, I cannot thank you enough the life you have blessed me with, with the friends and relationships that have made such and impact on my life. Thank you for putting those people in my life, for pointing me the direction you needed me to go, and for being the loving, merciful, and forgiving God you are. Forgive me when I fail you because I am human, but help me to be the man you want me to be, a man you can be proud of, one that seeks you in everything I do. In Your name I pray, Amen.
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| My God and Father, thank you for the wonderful opportunities you bless me with. Thank you for your mercy and grace, but most of all Father, thank you for your Son who died on the cross so that I can be forgiven. God, you are all powerful and all knowing and I seek your wisdom and strength. Help me to overcome the temptations I feel every day, help me to look to you for guidance, and help me to be strong when the times get tough. Thank you so much for your forgiveness and love, watch over and guide me and may your will be done in my life.
Amen | | |
| hey readers,
I have decided my life has lost direction and the old man I have been needs to be put to death. I have a lot of things that need to be changed in my life and since I have a lack of readers I have decided this is going to be my method of tracking my progress.
4 months ago I made the worst mistake of my life and cheated on my gf with a girl I didn't even like. I had let my sexual addiction get to the point where sex because more important to me than my faithfulness to my gf and my faith. I have defaulted to pornography, alcohol, foul language, and anger in times of stress and frustration instead of asking my God for wisdom, patience, and help. I am making a public vow here to all that care to read it.
I, Dustin Johnson, will from this day forward seek daily the word of God for His wisdom and pray for His forgiveness. I will seek to face my demons with the help of God and the encouragement of my Christian brothers and sisters, and strive to become the godly man that my heavenly Father wants me to be. From this day forward, each post with be ended with a personal prayer and I ask that anyone reading this prays for me as well.
Thanks for reading.
Dustin
My God in heaven, thank you for the renewed spirit you have given to me as well as the forgiveness that I do not deserve. I have made the past 2 years of my life all about me instead of making my life a testament to you and your love and mercy. God I thank you that you have given me the avenue of prayer that I share with so many Christians, it gives me peace to know that I can come talk to you when my trials are making me doubt my faith in you and I know you will hear me and comfort me. God help me to see your will in my life, and help me to accept your will with an open mind and open heart because you know what I need. I am so blessed to be the son of a God that showers so much love on His children, one that cares for the troubles that I face. Thank you for the friends I have, especially Will and his family, they are a gift I never knew I needed but you have used them to help me see the error of my ways. They are good people and followers of you and I pray for your blessing upon them. They are seeing difficult times and need your comfort. Be with those struggling with sin like myself God, they need you so much. Give them an avenue in which to reach out to you for the guidance and strength that you promise to all of us. Lastly God, be with those I have hurt, heal their wounds and help them to see the changes I am trying to make. If it be your will dear God, give her the heart to forgive me and help me to become a man more pleasing to you. I love you and pray for your strength, mercy, forgiveness, and guidance. It's in your Son's holy and precious name I offer up this prayer. Amen | | |
| I've been thinking about a lot of things here lately, mostly about the future after I graduate. I've found a job that I plan on applying for in July with an organization called Eckerd Youth Alternatives. I'd be a youth counselor working with troubled teens in an outdoor camp setting, which translates into the perfect job for me. It would allow me to travel throughout the South and even into the North East. It offer amazing benefits and very few living expenses so I can save money for grad school and pay off some student loans at the same time. The more I think about it the more I realize how perfect it is. I have always wanted to work with kids to share some of my life experience and difficulties in hopes it will shed some light on them, but it also gives me a chance to share my faith with kids that desperately need something to believe in. The isolation the job offers also gives me a chance to wean myself from some of the demons I've allowed to take over my life. But there are other things on my mind that aren't so positive.
It was always planned that I would have someone joining me in Florida next year and now that the situation has changed,
I'm worried I may have permanently ruined my chances to find someone that is worth the effort. There are a lot of women out there but I know that what I tell myself I want and what I need are completely different things. I have very high standards as far as physical appearances are concerned but unfortunately I am almost willing to sacrifice character for looks. I know I need someone to see my potential and help me to reach it as well as keep me from falling away from my faith, something I struggle with on a daily basis.
I know I have to give everything to God and let Him provide for me but I am soo reluctant to do so. I'm scared of where He's leading me to, not that I think He's leading me to something that I don't want but I don't know where I'm going. It scares me to death knowing that there's nothing I can do to prepare for what He has in store. I just pray that He gives me the strength to step up to the challenge. Phil 4:13
Peace | | |
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